Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya