Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
You Might Also Like
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
🤣dope
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]