pictures of spider-man
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Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
From Facebook just now…
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?