*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.