2022 will be better than 2021
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Not today
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.