ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Support your local cemetery
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”