20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.