I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Optional boss fight.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.