Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
You Might Also Like
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT