I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My favorite farside!!
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats