The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.