8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
This is true.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
He’s cranky this morning
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.