The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.