Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
you will never know the true number of layers
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes