kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
barbara was highly relatable
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Ha
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!