6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*lint rolls you awake*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you