“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Pat is about to own someone
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Probably my best painting.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry