taking June’s advice to heart
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The best shot in the history of golf
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE