I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m good, thanks.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
hackers play passwordle
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The only equipped I am is ill.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.