At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*