Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When you don’t understand how floors work
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Kids: Stay in school.