Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Lol
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My birthstone is a marshmallow
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.