My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Kids: Stay in school.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad