this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Geez man, take it easy.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space