Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You Might Also Like
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’m aging like a fine banana
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks