him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
(yawn)
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*