I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
How I’d get arrested…
Can’t. About to go please some beans
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
waiting for halloween be like:
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂