Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING