6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
got my wisdom teeth removed.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair