Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A man of commitment.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”