Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.