Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
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Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Bill is short for Billiam
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I bet birds love this building.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity