If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps