Me in tagged photos
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.