do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Lassie, get help!
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”