I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”