I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
You Might Also Like
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!