ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it