The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Every time my phone rings
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??