me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”