I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain