Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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lmao
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent