Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”