I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
motivation
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.