*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When someone trying to leave me
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*limbos under the caution tape
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.