If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe