Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.