Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”