{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.