Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You Might Also Like
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.